1 step forward. 12 steps back. A leap forward has to be next.

Hey y’all. I wish I had some great inspirational post about my new “getting healthy” kick and the truth is – it is a constant battle of my own will. So am I going to give up? HELL no. I just see these blogs all the time where people say they just made the decision and then its like poof it just happened from that day forward. If you are anything like me – it NEVER happens that way. It is a constant mind vs. stomach vs. heart battle for me.

I’m beyond exhausted all the time which I am SO tired of feeling. Part of it is some stuff i’m dealing with medically but the other part is just forcing myself to get moving.

I am so tired of not working and all of the let downs throughout the search process. I had a GREAT job prospect that I was totally excited about, I mean I really thought “this is it, i’ve found the perfect spot” for both me and felt that I would be a great addition to the organization as a whole. Womp womp. Turns out they hired from within for the position which likely means it was just posted as a formality and a requirement. Talk about just feeling that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know that God has a plan and I believe that all these applications, cover letters and events I try to get involved in are just all a part of his plan and I know he isn’t going to leave me hanging out here with nothing. My hardest part is the constant reminder that God has it under control and my worrying is unnecessary. Tell that to my anxiety attacks which have been constantly lurking over me and attack at any moment they see fit including in the middle of the grocery store, during normal activities, etc.

Through all of this, I have some great friends who are there for everything. All the medical questions, my ups and downs, etc. but the one person I feel like who could snap me out of all of this is gone. Some of you may know me well enough and know that about two and a half years ago, I lost my best friend very suddenly and tragically. The person I could tell anything to, no matter how shocking, and she wouldn’t even blink. It was always like “uhm, ok, moving on, what should we do now? have lunch?” and its that attitude and her ability to rationalize and make me realize the insignificance of some things that I just miss so much.

I’ve been having so many vivid dreams with her in them lately. It’s like she is still trying to show me she’s here and sees whats going on but it just crushes me when I think about not having her physically here. I know two and a half years seems like a while but I have had the hardest time coming back out of my shell and getting back to the wild and crazy and fun me I used to be. I pray all the time that the ache will go away but I just feel like something is missing all the time and I’ve felt that since the day I got the phone call.

I’m not giving up. I’m not backing down. If my friend were here I imagine this down in the dumps talk would earn a wake up slap in the face. So each day is a new day. I may not be as far along on my goal of getting healthy in all aspects of my life but I tell you what, everyday that I make some kind of change is progress and I WILL get there.

Thanks so much for reading and sharing my journey with me. It means the world to know that maybe some other people can identify that its okay to not always be a picture of perfection. Its okay to not have it all together. I hope if any of you are where I am that you can find comfort you are far from the only one.

Stay tuned – I have some new book reviews coming and a tutorial on a super cute bday hat I made for the sweetest little almost 4 year old that I know.



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